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I loved myself twice this morning.) "Only date available men." Available as in emotionally, not married, and not a first cousin. If a man doesn't call for a second date within two weeks—do not call him. "Be sure to wear something feminine—but never too sexy," she says, checking out the Miu Miu rack."That will send the wrong message." Sexy is not in my wardrobe vocabulary. I've never been a "dater" because I know if you date someone long enough, you're going to have sex.Because it's February and nearing that dreaded time of the month (Valentine's Day), I'm suffering from major PMS (Pressure to Meet Someone). " Seeing red, I post my exes' photos and e-mail addresses on gay websites. Another question: At what age does a woman hit manopause?I'm craving chocolates in a heart-shape box; crying at the sight of old couples canoodling; and screaming at construction workers who don't throw me a wolf whistle: "What am I, buddy? ) Fearful of becoming a Law & Order episode, I confess my PMS-induced criminal activity to my editor Rachael, who, being my best friend, is now blackmailing me.

"Oh, he could be great for you," she says, tap, tapping. Urologist, 52, Yale grad, divorced, twin six-year-old girls," she says. "...lives in Gramercy Park, loves museums, opera, ballet, line dancing..." Line dancing? Oh, and Theodore would be a good match, too: 40, never married, loves films, lives in So Ho, really funny, not snobby at all, collects art—owns a Schiele, Monet, Manet...." A Millea? For starters: "It is important to love yourself first before you can be in a loving relationship." (Not a problem. Ronis goes over her Tens of Commandments and takes me browsing through Barneys on our way out.If you look polished and well-groomed, you’re where you need to be.That generally means: hair neatly styled or pulled back if it’s long, eyebrows groomed (sounds small, but bushy eyebrows can undo an otherwise polished look), a face that isn’t oily (whether you accomplish that with powder, skin care, or magic), clothes that fit well, shoes that aren’t scuffed, etc." Before I leave, Rachael hands me a copy of the FBI report on my dating history and orders, "Learn from the past." I open it on the subway and begin reading. " Summer of third grade, playing croquet with neighbor boy; he asked if I wanted to see his penis. Another stood shirtless in a kitchen, posed with his mouth wide open, holding up 20 pounds of raw hamburger shaped like a human head.I did, and told him it looked like a cocktail shrimp. Then there's the stiff shaking hands with Colin Powell.

"Oh, he could be great for you," she says, tap, tapping. Urologist, 52, Yale grad, divorced, twin six-year-old girls," she says. "...lives in Gramercy Park, loves museums, opera, ballet, line dancing..." Line dancing? Oh, and Theodore would be a good match, too: 40, never married, loves films, lives in So Ho, really funny, not snobby at all, collects art—owns a Schiele, Monet, Manet...." A Millea? For starters: "It is important to love yourself first before you can be in a loving relationship." (Not a problem. Ronis goes over her Tens of Commandments and takes me browsing through Barneys on our way out.If you look polished and well-groomed, you’re where you need to be.That generally means: hair neatly styled or pulled back if it’s long, eyebrows groomed (sounds small, but bushy eyebrows can undo an otherwise polished look), a face that isn’t oily (whether you accomplish that with powder, skin care, or magic), clothes that fit well, shoes that aren’t scuffed, etc." Before I leave, Rachael hands me a copy of the FBI report on my dating history and orders, "Learn from the past." I open it on the subway and begin reading. " Summer of third grade, playing croquet with neighbor boy; he asked if I wanted to see his penis. Another stood shirtless in a kitchen, posed with his mouth wide open, holding up 20 pounds of raw hamburger shaped like a human head.I did, and told him it looked like a cocktail shrimp. Then there's the stiff shaking hands with Colin Powell.(As a kid, Rachael realized that if the Catholic Church could make people pay for their sins, she could too.) For her silence, I must pay a penance, "a taste of your own medicine," she says, grinning Grinchily in the glow of her computer, logging on to